Action figures and Random Utterances

What if...

God/Jesus/Holy Spirit were an action crime-fighting force? They would be like Voltron, only one person, able to morph into one form or another at will in order to best fight crime.

God form:

• Color: Green (like the Incredible Hulk and Ralph Nader)
• Super Powers: Super Strength, Tireless ability to only answer unimportant prayers - (i.e. "Dear God , please let there be toilet paper in this bathroom."), Ability to weave stylish K-Mart tank tops with out the aid of a loom .

Jesus form:

• Color: Orange, like the human torch, but with a beard.
• Super Power: Fire breathing, The somewhat mundane ability to make tumble weeds travel against the wind, power of solving crossword puzzles very quickly, usually without cheating .

Holy Ghost form:

• Color: Multi-colored like the aurora borealis.
• Super Power: Teleport, Ability to make action figures levitate, Super Speed Reading .

So when fighting a crime boss in downtown Gotham City, They would come on the scene and would summon the Holy Ghost form to teleport behind the bad guy, then summon Jesus form to breathe fire to melt the diabolical machine the criminal had made to rob the bank, then transform to God form to tear open the side of the machine and take out the criminal. The crowds would totally cheer for Them. In Their off time, Holy Ghost would just read a lot, Jesus would spend all his time practicing crosswords, and God would weave tank-tops. Even Gods need hobbies, right?

Question:

• Do wisdom teeth make us wise or just make or teeth crooked ?
• Is Coors really the best beer in the world or just an off-handed comment by that drunk guy I just met?


• Why , in God's name, have we not made a series of famous historical assasins and their victims action figures? Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth--JFK and Lee Harvey Oswald and Jack Ruby--That girl in Chappaquiddick and Ted Kennedy--Ceasar and Brutus--Tom and Jerry
• Does reading a magazine like the Alibi really get you off the hook if you kill someone?
• Does wearing jewelery made out of utensils give you good luck?
• If you laugh, does the world really laugh with you, or just at you, idiot?
• Does free manure smell any better just because it's free?
• Does mocking people make you a comic genius with hidden depths?

Good alternatives to the name "Slim"Pickens :

1. Portly Pickens
2. Chubby Pickens
3. Plump Pickens
4. Fatty Pickens
5. Fats Pickens
6. Fat Pickens
7. Turd

Apocalyptic supposition of the week :

That painting of a creepy green monkey that we just saw is probably a good sign that the world will end sometime next thursday .

- " My face hurts... "

-...................................

-"... say it , I dare you!"

More things that make America Great and Questions that are Not Good Questions .

More things that make America great :

• Enumerating lists of things that make America great .

If people stopped making lists about what makes America great, America would cease to be great ; and the terrorists win! Don't let the terrorists win , people! You don't want the terrorist to win, do you? DO YOU?! (I've got my eye on you!)

We must keep thinking of more powerful and more explosive reasons that America is great, in order to blow those terrorists back to Hades with our reasoning--

our all powerful REASONING!!

Questions which are not good questions :

• Is the sky blue?
• Are you stupid ?
• What ?
• Oh?
• Why does chocolate taste "chocolaty" ? (Also possibly a great question .)
• Huh ?
• Are people stupid or do we just do stupid things? (Unequivocally, people are stupid.)
• What inspired the song "Grandma got run over by a reindeer:" a mule deer ?
• If there is no such thing as a stupid question ; is asking if there is a stupid question a stupid question ? (stupid question.)

Superman was an evil alchemist!

What makes America great :

• Wearing coon skin hats , using blunderbusses .
• Asking what the founding fathers would do and then not doing it .
• Doing dental work with pliers . Having dental work with pliers done by Zachariah Flim-Flam .
• Having at least one male citizen named Zachariah Flim Flam .
• Using outhouses.
• Using privies .
• Using the word "privy" .
• Using laces versus vel-cro .
• Analog watches . Period.
• Using abaci.
• Using the word "abaci".
• Pluralizing words unnecessarily.
• Hating china ( the dishes and the country ) .
• Tie - dye .
• Saying "America : love it or leave it " at least 48 times a day . One for each of the contiguous states.
• Mobile homes . Period.
• People named Cooter .
• High per - capita tornado rate ( otherwise known as extra wrath from God ) .
• Being facetious .
• Hating all presidents except : George Washington , Abe Lincoln, and JFK .
• Calling Bush "shrub" .
• Twinkies , baloney , american cheese , cheez wiz .
• Oddly - shaped - headed puppet characters (Bert, Ernie, Kermit, Barney).
• Sleeping on foam mattresses .
• Having tiles on your kitchen floor .
• Yelling "Yeeha!" at random times with no objection from onlookers.
• Speaking gibberish in something that sounds like a foreign language.
• Mocking foreigners.

A protest of one .

People can't eat dirt ! Save our farms !

Drink icebergs ! Conserve fresh water . People can't drink sea water . People can't drink urine. Ahhhhhh!

The future is now . Prepare for the future . It's the end of the world as we know it .

Save the earth . We can't live on the sun, idiot!

You are on fire!

Save the grass . The grass is melting ! Oh, crap !

Build cars and trucks out of sticks and leaves . Sticks and leaves biodegrade ; and sticks and leaves are good for the environment.

Walk every where . Save fossil fuels . Walk across lakes and rivers. Try to walk across the ocean, Silly!

Do not eat our children!!!!

Thank you.

Protest of one , Drunken rambling , good things to protest, God's great joke , polite questions .

PROTEST OF ONE :

Drunken Ramblings :

• "The world is made of cheese and if you fall through the holes you'll end up in hell being bitten by bed bugs the size of quarters . "



• "I once took a rocket ship ride into my mind and found nothing but children and horse anuses ."

Good things to protest in either a protest of one or a protest of many:

• "The inability to sue people from beyond the grave" - dead peoples rights.



• "Ants" : their collective biomass is greater than ours . Ants are taking our jobs .



• "Nanotechnology" : peoples hands aren't small enough to create nanotechnology . So because of nanotechnology ants are trying to take our jobs away from us .



• "Courderoy" : makes a wierd swishing sound . Are courderoy pants stealing our jobs ?

QUOTES OF THE DAY:

Why should I be thankfull for life when all you get is to be harrangued by religious people in safron robes asking for donations .

AND

People work them selves to death and get buried in pine boxes after they die or maybe in bed sheets that are sewn together .

AND
God's great cosmic joke is that we're just here to be made fun of and make fun of others .

Ha - fricken - ha !

Polite questions of the day :

• "Is it okay If I give you a cookie full of laxatives ?"



• "Would you mind if I shaved your eyebrows in your sleep ? "



• "Is it okay If I boil your dog to death and wear him as a fur coat ? "

• "May I kick your genitals ? "

• "Would you mind terribly if I put a 'kiss my ass' sticker on your mother's grave stone ? "

Random gibberish

Farting smells bad but farting is rad. Don't eat too many meat popsicles or you'll get the dropsicles . Signed , John Culpepper

Bold words from a bold man. Heed them.

By the way, in the future, will they have rubber teeth vending machines for our over-sugared, rotten teeth? Or will we just go with good, old-fashined wooden teeth? If we did just go with the wooden teeth, I think that George Washington would have to be the official national spokesperson for wooden teeth.

If they superimposed John Wayne into a beer commercial after he died, I'm sure we could get a dumb picture of George Washington smiling into a commercial. George Washington.

Jesus, Questions, Superdelegates, and Coffee Energy

In response to the comment by John, we'd like to venture some responses.

Does the Strange Cal Stankovich Party have superdelegates? Absolutely! They come from the planet Krypton and have the ability to fly. They have superhuman strength and can shoot laser-like beams out of their eyes. That's the reason that they are "super" delegates. That is also the reason that they are not to be trifled with. Let's make sure they don't dominate our party and make all the decisions, though. Be sure to carry Kryptonite with you at all times and use it to influence your superdelegates' votes. But keep in mind that they were granted these powers by the party and so if you don't like it, too bad. Tough luck, idiot. They might just burn you to death with their laser eyes. So keep that kryptonite handy.

Is coffee made out of coffee energy? That is clearly not a political question, but rather a general knowlege inquiry to test the limits of our brave party leader's vast scientific understanding. The answer: duh! Coffee is made out of ground coffee beans and hot water, idiot. We don't have an atom smasher to peer into the atomic elements of coffee, so there is no way to be sure. We just have to trust science and the Bible which tell us that coffee is made out of angels. Are farts made out of fart energy, or just fart gas? Let's consider what Yakov Smirnov would say. "A fart is as a fart does," he would say. And he would be right, my friends.

Please keep asking questions, we love to respond.

Two other topics of intrest this week: the composition of Jesus, and rhetorical questions.

It has been said that Jesus Christ was both %100 Man and %100 God. This creates a logical contradiction. Technically, it's impossible to be %200 of anything. But then to add on the extra component of Jesus' obvious %500 kickass-ness, creates an even more perplexing conundrum. 500 + 100 + 100 = 700. How can he be %700? The answer is simple: he was Jesus, idiot. He turned water into tequila and then realized it wasn't invented yet, so he turned it into wine, just so his disciples didn't get wasted or freaked out about the devil worm. There was no such thing as high-alcohol-content wine like M/D 20/20 ("Maddog") back in the day, and Jesus didn't want to touch that with a 10-foot pole.

Why do people ask questions that can't be answered? Is there any answer for that very question? Should there be? No. There isn't. It's that simple. People just love asking questions that they can't answer because they're idiots and they just want to pass the time. Duh. People are good at passing the time and they're excellent at being idiots.

Now, do we really want to get the Strange Cal Stankovich party on the ballot? Probably not. We're not rich socialites and it would ruin the fun anyways. Sorry to dash your hopes, America. But still watch out for our Superdelegates. Laser eyes.

Ester and Mabel of Wood Rosin and Fixing the Broken Universe

At Left: Ester of Wood Rosin shown before her disappearance in 1965 with her cat, Chim Chim.

Two sister from the small town of Wood Rosin, FL were found in a bottle of Gatorade this Friday. Officials were surprised to find that Ester and Mabel were not only in the one bottle, but in every bottle of Gatorade on the market, and were, indeed, crucial to the making of the sports drink.

"Turns out, the essence of these two ladies is what gives Gatorade it's kick. And that explains why they've been missing for so many years." Said Wood Rosin Deputy Sherrif, Clive Barker. He noted that the case had remained unsolved since 1965, the year the two women disappeared and, coincidentally, the year that Gatorade was first formulated.

Known as particularly domineering women while alive, it was another strange coincidence to find that the essence of Ester and Mabel was known to cause testicular shrinkage.

Gatorade had not commented by the time of this publication, but sources say that the supply of Mabel of Wood Rosin had been all but used up and the company was now only listing Ester in the Ingredients.

"Not sure why we couldn't guess what had happened since the lady was listed right there on the label in the ingredients. But she sure is tasty." Said Barker, sipping a bottle of Gatorade X-Factor Lemon Lime.

In other news, the universe was found to be broken, according to a report released Thursday by NASA physicists.

"Yeah, I called my cousin Chuck to go up there and fix it this weekend. He's a decent carpenter and he used to do some roofing, so it'll get fixed," said NASA Chief of Theoretical Anomalies, Tom Huxley. "He said he could do it for cheap."

NASA expects the universe to be up and functioning properly in probably a week or two as Chuck works days doing landscaping.

At Right: A digital image produced by NASA of the malfunctioning universe.

Ron McRonovich: Gentle Rental Mental Dentist/Used Car Salesman

We were talking to our good friend Ron McRonovich, the Russian Scot who emigrated to the U.S. 23 years ago to sell used cars. He informed us of his new talent/skill--that of gentle rental mental dentist. Apparently, for the last few years he has been attending dental school while studying the black arts of mental control of the physical space. He has since begun offering his services, mainly renting out to parties where he drills peoples teeth with his mind. He's always been a very gentle man, and the word rhymed, so he included it in his title, though no dental work is truly gentle. But for the gentlest rental mental dental work that you'll find in town, we endorse Ron McRonovich. He is also one of the top political advisors to the Strange Cal Stankovich campaign. He keeps our teeth very clean with his mind. (The photo below is of Ron in his full dentist costume. He really is a hit at parties. 505-555-7264)

One other thing we'd like to comment on is the plight of leprechauns. Ron McRonovich's twin brother, Don holds two doctorates from Columbia University. One in physics and one in Leprechauns. His dissertation was on the dietary constraints of these poor, misunderstood elves. In his new book, "Darby O'Milk and the Little People: The Sad Truth About the Leprechaun Diet" It's in stores now. He details the devastating plight that milk has wrought on this population, showing that the milk corporations are behind a global plot to wipe out Leprechaun-kind via breast milk. We of the Strange Cal Stankovich party support Don's brave crusade to save these mythical little creatures and will propose legislation against the milk industry. Consider us the party of and for the Leprechauns.

Yakov Smirnov quote of the day: "They should sell gasoline in liters instead of gallons so it would be cheaper."

Strange Cal Stankovich

Today I would like to announce a new platform of the Strange Cal Stankovich party. For anyone who votes for our candidate in the upcoming general election will recieve a free pumpkin and a piece of candy that tastes like rotten fish. We realize that this isn't the greatest reward, and one might even say that it is just plain nasty. But it's better than voting for the other jerks. So vote for Strange Cal Stankovich (no relation to that singer, Yankovich) and get your free pumpkin and disgusting candy.

Let it also be known that anyone who donates money to our party will be given a bucket of maggots perfect for carp fishing. These are the finest maggots we can buy. Carp love them and you will love them too if you are a fisherman. So give us money. The larger the donation, the larger the bucket.

Also, we have deemed our defense budget entirely ludicrous. Less aircraft carriers and more rowboats. Rowboats are the future of warfare! And instead of M-16 rifles for our troops, more straws for them to fire spitballs and really piss off the enemy when they are teaching the class. This should save our military budget for better things like bigger and better mudwrestling pits on the Senate floor, and bustier, more furry congresswomen. Also, we will spend a bit extra for a salt lick on the White House lawn to attract deer which we could shoot off the back porch. The rest we'll just give back to Americans who make less than $100,000 a year. We will also be using a part of this budget to utilize our nation's vast craft-making skills in building the worlds largest popsicle stick creation. It will be a bridge to Mars--made entirely out of popsicle sticks and glue. This might take a while (think several centuries), and will likely use up lots of resources (probably about every scrap of wood on the planet, anhilating our planet's ecosystems), but will be totally worth it. And then we can just walk across the bridge to Mars. Sweet, huh? Trust us. How about this: if you tell us its a stupid idea, we'll continue to build it until its done and then burn it for you. Right in your backyard. Sound OK? Excellent, then we have a deal.

Finally, let it be know that whoever donates the most money to the party will recieve a free house with all its energy supplied by bicycle power. The bicycle will be ridden by Al Gore himself. So get those donations in fast. Al Gore is ready to ride.

Also, Yakov Smirnov will be the vice president for life.

Yakov Smirnov quote of the day: "In Russia...you don't vote in elections, elections vote in you!"

Tax Breaks for Mullets? Yes! Tax Breaks for Mullets!

A main part of the political platform of the Strange Cal Stankovich party is a strong advocacy of generous tax breaks for those of our citizens who are brave enough to sport mullets. Say, a $50,000 rebate? Truly the lion's mane of human haircuts, the mullet is not only a symbol of independent thinking and maturity, but it also stands for the basic attitude of the American people: business in the front, party in the back. We shall have to standardize the back-to-front hair length ratio in order for this tax break to be administered fairly. I hereby call for a 2-to-5 front to back length ratio!

Let it hence forth be known that the Strange Cal Stankovich party advocates the 2-to-5 ratio!

Another part of the platform will be that anyone who wants--or even suggests that they want--to regulate what cows eat for emissions control shall be shot out of a circus cannon...into a pool of pirhana carcasses. Since this might be a bit hard to get a hold of at any given time, any fish will do. Or just some slaughterhouse waste of any kind.

On a similar note, we will support tax rebates for people who eat beans more than once a week.

Also, survivor benefits will only be paid to relatives of people who were killed by maniacs with a large candy cane, either real or synthetic. Use of any other weapon in the homicide shall result in no compensation. Beware candy-cane killers!

Finally, special tax rebates for all alien-abductees, both rumored and confirmed. It is time we brought the alien abduction problem in the country out into the open. DOWN WITH MARS, UP WITH EARTH! Forget protecting the border. Let's protect our skys. Let's protect those poor hapless yokels who happen to be violated by malicious and oversexed martians. It's not their fault they're so attractive to aliens.

Yakov Smirnof, Monk, Taped Pants, and Humans outlasting the Universe--a logical unit?

ITEM: We saw a girl today that seemed to have her pants held up with, not a belt or suspenders, but with tape. Tape? A strange choice, to say the least. We considered the logic of this choice. (We all live in a yellow submarine.) Of course, tape is less sustainable than a belt. It's likely not very biodegradable, and you have to use a ton of it, provided you planned to take your pants off regularly. You only need one belt for several uses. Perhaps superglue instead of tape? No, we thought. That would be horribly painful. Every time you took off your pants, you'd take off skin. Eventually, you would develop wounds which would become infected by dirt and whatnot, compounded with the chemicals of the superglue, eventually giving you flesh-eating bacteria or something. CONCLUSION: Tape and superglue are less desirable for holding up your pants than a belt.

ITEM: On a related note, could a human outlast the universe? Could one be outside the universe watching it shrink into the big crunch--a dimensionless point of pure energy? Is that God? Can science take us that far? Time will tell. Maybe within the next 15 years we'll have an answer.

ITEM: "This world we love just might kill you." Just a pleasant thought for you to think about. Enjoy!

ITEM: Yakov Smirnoff. Is he related to that guy who invented that vodka? In Russia, does vodka invent you? Are Yakov Smirnoff's 15 minutes of fame up? We do know that he's alive and performing in Branson, MO. Thank god!

QUESTION: Is America a shining city on a hill? Isn't it a country? Thoughts?

CLOSING THOUGHT: Could you make so many people mad that you could literally be a "man without a country?" Or is every government for sale? Try it out and get back to us.

Who worshipped God before God created people ?

I guess God worshipped himself before God created people . Does that make God an egotist ?
Does anyone care about this topic ?