Strange Cal Stankovich

Today I would like to announce a new platform of the Strange Cal Stankovich party. For anyone who votes for our candidate in the upcoming general election will recieve a free pumpkin and a piece of candy that tastes like rotten fish. We realize that this isn't the greatest reward, and one might even say that it is just plain nasty. But it's better than voting for the other jerks. So vote for Strange Cal Stankovich (no relation to that singer, Yankovich) and get your free pumpkin and disgusting candy.

Let it also be known that anyone who donates money to our party will be given a bucket of maggots perfect for carp fishing. These are the finest maggots we can buy. Carp love them and you will love them too if you are a fisherman. So give us money. The larger the donation, the larger the bucket.

Also, we have deemed our defense budget entirely ludicrous. Less aircraft carriers and more rowboats. Rowboats are the future of warfare! And instead of M-16 rifles for our troops, more straws for them to fire spitballs and really piss off the enemy when they are teaching the class. This should save our military budget for better things like bigger and better mudwrestling pits on the Senate floor, and bustier, more furry congresswomen. Also, we will spend a bit extra for a salt lick on the White House lawn to attract deer which we could shoot off the back porch. The rest we'll just give back to Americans who make less than $100,000 a year. We will also be using a part of this budget to utilize our nation's vast craft-making skills in building the worlds largest popsicle stick creation. It will be a bridge to Mars--made entirely out of popsicle sticks and glue. This might take a while (think several centuries), and will likely use up lots of resources (probably about every scrap of wood on the planet, anhilating our planet's ecosystems), but will be totally worth it. And then we can just walk across the bridge to Mars. Sweet, huh? Trust us. How about this: if you tell us its a stupid idea, we'll continue to build it until its done and then burn it for you. Right in your backyard. Sound OK? Excellent, then we have a deal.

Finally, let it be know that whoever donates the most money to the party will recieve a free house with all its energy supplied by bicycle power. The bicycle will be ridden by Al Gore himself. So get those donations in fast. Al Gore is ready to ride.

Also, Yakov Smirnov will be the vice president for life.

Yakov Smirnov quote of the day: "In Russia...you don't vote in elections, elections vote in you!"