What makes America great :
- Wearing coon skin hats , using blunderbusses .
- Asking what the founding fathers would do and then not doing it .
- Doing dental work with pliers . Having dental work with pliers done by Zachariah Flim-Flam .
- Having at least one male citizen named Zachariah Flim Flam .
- Using outhouses.
- Using privies .
- Using the word "privy" .
- Using laces versus vel-cro .
- Analog watches . Period.
- Using abaci.
- Using the word "abaci".
- Pluralizing words unnecessarily.
- Hating china ( the dishes and the country ) .
- Tie - dye .
- Saying "America : love it or leave it " at least 48 times a day . One for each of the contiguous states.
- Mobile homes . Period.
- People named Cooter .
- High per - capita tornado rate ( otherwise known as extra wrath from God ) .
- Being facetious .
- Hating all presidents except : George Washington , Abe Lincoln, and JFK .
- Calling Bush "shrub" .
- Twinkies , baloney , american cheese , cheez wiz .
- Oddly - shaped - headed puppet characters (Bert, Ernie, Kermit, Barney).
- Sleeping on foam mattresses .
- Having tiles on your kitchen floor .
- Yelling "Yeeha!" at random times with no objection from onlookers.
- Speaking gibberish in something that sounds like a foreign language.
- Mocking foreigners.
