Action figures and Random Utterances

What if...

God/Jesus/Holy Spirit were an action crime-fighting force? They would be like Voltron, only one person, able to morph into one form or another at will in order to best fight crime.

God form:

• Color: Green (like the Incredible Hulk and Ralph Nader)
• Super Powers: Super Strength, Tireless ability to only answer unimportant prayers - (i.e. "Dear God , please let there be toilet paper in this bathroom."), Ability to weave stylish K-Mart tank tops with out the aid of a loom .

Jesus form:

• Color: Orange, like the human torch, but with a beard.
• Super Power: Fire breathing, The somewhat mundane ability to make tumble weeds travel against the wind, power of solving crossword puzzles very quickly, usually without cheating .

Holy Ghost form:

• Color: Multi-colored like the aurora borealis.
• Super Power: Teleport, Ability to make action figures levitate, Super Speed Reading .

So when fighting a crime boss in downtown Gotham City, They would come on the scene and would summon the Holy Ghost form to teleport behind the bad guy, then summon Jesus form to breathe fire to melt the diabolical machine the criminal had made to rob the bank, then transform to God form to tear open the side of the machine and take out the criminal. The crowds would totally cheer for Them. In Their off time, Holy Ghost would just read a lot, Jesus would spend all his time practicing crosswords, and God would weave tank-tops. Even Gods need hobbies, right?

Question:

• Do wisdom teeth make us wise or just make or teeth crooked ?
• Is Coors really the best beer in the world or just an off-handed comment by that drunk guy I just met?


• Why , in God's name, have we not made a series of famous historical assasins and their victims action figures? Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth--JFK and Lee Harvey Oswald and Jack Ruby--That girl in Chappaquiddick and Ted Kennedy--Ceasar and Brutus--Tom and Jerry
• Does reading a magazine like the Alibi really get you off the hook if you kill someone?
• Does wearing jewelery made out of utensils give you good luck?
• If you laugh, does the world really laugh with you, or just at you, idiot?
• Does free manure smell any better just because it's free?
• Does mocking people make you a comic genius with hidden depths?

Good alternatives to the name "Slim"Pickens :

1. Portly Pickens
2. Chubby Pickens
3. Plump Pickens
4. Fatty Pickens
5. Fats Pickens
6. Fat Pickens
7. Turd

Apocalyptic supposition of the week :

That painting of a creepy green monkey that we just saw is probably a good sign that the world will end sometime next thursday .

- " My face hurts... "

-...................................

-"... say it , I dare you!"

Jesus, Questions, Superdelegates, and Coffee Energy

In response to the comment by John, we'd like to venture some responses.

Does the Strange Cal Stankovich Party have superdelegates? Absolutely! They come from the planet Krypton and have the ability to fly. They have superhuman strength and can shoot laser-like beams out of their eyes. That's the reason that they are "super" delegates. That is also the reason that they are not to be trifled with. Let's make sure they don't dominate our party and make all the decisions, though. Be sure to carry Kryptonite with you at all times and use it to influence your superdelegates' votes. But keep in mind that they were granted these powers by the party and so if you don't like it, too bad. Tough luck, idiot. They might just burn you to death with their laser eyes. So keep that kryptonite handy.

Is coffee made out of coffee energy? That is clearly not a political question, but rather a general knowlege inquiry to test the limits of our brave party leader's vast scientific understanding. The answer: duh! Coffee is made out of ground coffee beans and hot water, idiot. We don't have an atom smasher to peer into the atomic elements of coffee, so there is no way to be sure. We just have to trust science and the Bible which tell us that coffee is made out of angels. Are farts made out of fart energy, or just fart gas? Let's consider what Yakov Smirnov would say. "A fart is as a fart does," he would say. And he would be right, my friends.

Please keep asking questions, we love to respond.

Two other topics of intrest this week: the composition of Jesus, and rhetorical questions.

It has been said that Jesus Christ was both %100 Man and %100 God. This creates a logical contradiction. Technically, it's impossible to be %200 of anything. But then to add on the extra component of Jesus' obvious %500 kickass-ness, creates an even more perplexing conundrum. 500 + 100 + 100 = 700. How can he be %700? The answer is simple: he was Jesus, idiot. He turned water into tequila and then realized it wasn't invented yet, so he turned it into wine, just so his disciples didn't get wasted or freaked out about the devil worm. There was no such thing as high-alcohol-content wine like M/D 20/20 ("Maddog") back in the day, and Jesus didn't want to touch that with a 10-foot pole.

Why do people ask questions that can't be answered? Is there any answer for that very question? Should there be? No. There isn't. It's that simple. People just love asking questions that they can't answer because they're idiots and they just want to pass the time. Duh. People are good at passing the time and they're excellent at being idiots.

Now, do we really want to get the Strange Cal Stankovich party on the ballot? Probably not. We're not rich socialites and it would ruin the fun anyways. Sorry to dash your hopes, America. But still watch out for our Superdelegates. Laser eyes.